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Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.
WORDS NEVER HEARD IN THE WORKPLACE
By Patience Pantperhog
Today’s modern workplace is awash in buzzwords, bafflegab, and all manner of blessed bumpf to wade through or digest over a morning latte with a dab of whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles on top.
The never-ending drive to increase profits means employees everywhere must hunker down with their noses to the grindstone or else hustle their bustles out the door every day in sear ...
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Copyright "The Quipping Queen" 2005.
CALENDAR OF ODD EVENTS - JAN. 2005
-- Eccentric events and odd occasions to celebrate in January 2005 --
**Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon
January is, to put it bluntly, a bit of a merry-impaired month as far as the Gregorian calendar is concerned.
With the ho-ho-ho season gone...things start all over again.
The origin of January comes from "Janus", the god with two faces, one on the ...
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Copyright Victoria Elizabeth 2004.
OR, HOW SNOW WHITE & FRIENDS SENT SANTA PACKING!
It seems that we can longer languish in the reveries of "Christmas" anymore.
"Christmas" is now "persona non grata" unless it comes with lotsa ka-ching and consumer clatta!
"Christmas" has been replaced by non-threatening "happy holiday" greetings, profitable "holiday" gift cards, and a new medical disease called the "ho ho ho" syndrome (I'll let you figure that one out).
Gone ...
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CHRISTMAS CLANGERS
-- Collected, compiled and cranked out by "The Quipping Queen" for your amusement and delight --
As the ho ho ho season rolls around, one is reminded of some very wicked words from a few wise men, a smattering of witty women, and a handful of weird wee folk who wish to remain anonymous.
"A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two." (W.C. Fields)
"I am a poor man, but I would gladly give ten shillings to find out who sent me the insulting Christm ...
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Copyright Theolonius McTavish 2004. All rights reserved.
HO HO HO MEMORANDUM
TO: All employees
FROM: The Management
DATE: December 2, 2004
RE: Reducing the Unintended Consequences of Getting into "The Holiday Spirit"
Following recommendations from SHE (our Safety, Health and Enviromental committee), HE (our Helpful Employees Committee) and FUN (the Federation of Undemonstrative Nations), the measures outlined below will be implemented immediately thus en ...
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Copyright Theolonius McTavish 2004. All rights reserved.
-- SHAMELESS SANTA SLIDERS --
Every year the Ho-Ho-Ho-ing chap in the red tunic with the white whiskers gets inundated with some pretty balmy questions.
So this year, I asked him if he wouldn't mind responding to twenty-five odd, obscure, and some might even say downright obtuse queries. Needless to say, he was delighted to have a chortling chinwag with me by satellite phone from his nippy ice-fishing hut at the North ...
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Copyright Victoria Elizabeth 2004. All rights reserved.
WHAT DO 'DEAD HORSE' AND 'DEVIL'S BACKBONE' HAVE IN COMMON?
-- A Misguided Guide to Unusual Placenames in America --
It is said that England has more than a few rather quaint placenames such as Bodmin, Grimbister, Ipswich, Nobottle, No Man's Land, Pie Corner, Pratt's Bottom, Scrabster and Twatt but, they pale in comparison to the plethora of picturesque placenames in the "New World".
For those with precious little t ...
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WORLD TINKLE PANTRY DAY!
-- Or, how to celebrate the wonders of water-closets--
Copyright Theolonius McTavish 2004. All rights reserved.
November 19th is a very auspicious occasion. It's none other than "International Tinkle Pantry Day".
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the little known term "tinkle pantry", it is the focal point and modest appliance found in most "water closets", "places of ease" or "comfort stations".
North Americans probably know the tin ...
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Copyright by Theolonius McTavish 2004. All rights reserved.
HOLIDAY IN HADES?
-- Or, more about life in the nether world from Our Man in Hades --
Who says things never change in Hades?
To remain competitive with "high-performance" earth-bound products and "excellent" customer service ratings in Paradise, the underworld Inferno (affectionately known as "the abyss"), has spruced things up a bit to satisfy the growing demands of well-heeled travellers.
A review of HO ...
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HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES? -- Or, things you might have said to Eve had she tricked you into eating the apple --
Copyright by Theolonius McTavish 2004. All rights reserved.
There are a few things that you might be tempted to say, if you had the chance, (especially if you’re a fly on a wall in the proverbial “Garden of Eden”).
Speaking of flies, here are some choice lines you wish Adam might have told Eve before chomping into that fateful apple on what appears to have been ...
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Copyright by Victoria Elizabeth 2004. All rights reserved.
WELCOME TO WITCHVILLE
(Home of Scream Cuisine & Other Stuff)
Living in Victoria, BC (Canada) has a few perks.
Second to Salem, Massachusetts (the world capital of witchcraft), Victoria, BC is Canada's "most haunted house city".
This "California-North", left-coast, cosy community with the unique distinction of being dubbed Canada's "garden city", it also has something else strange going for it.
Accor ...
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Copyright 2004 by Theolonius McTavish. All rights reserved.
LESSON FROM HUNDRED ACRE WOOD
-- Or, wabbit hunting is for wimps --
Some say that the world is being overrun by far too many rabbits -- Oswald the Rabbit, Roger the Rabbit, Bugs Bunny not to mention all manner of wretched little Easter Bunnies. If that’s so, then “wabbit hunting” is sure to become a growth opportunity for outfitters, guides, and taxidermists or for those catering to the Saturday morning cartoon-rerun cr ...
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The Story of My Dog and Why You Should Care
It all began when I was 11 years old. That day, my mom was taking us (the kids) to Arnold's Hey and Grain, a food store for animals. As we were approaching the door, something caught my eye: a little dog (4 months old). The puppy was situated in a cage and was lying down on his tubby little belly. He looked at me with BIG, HUGE, BUG-eyes and whimpered. He looked so sad…so lonely…so isolated. I got down on my hands and knees and said to him, "Hey ...
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Copyright Theolonius McTavish 2004.
ON THE IMPORTANCE OF ELEPHANTS
-- Or, can you tell me where I can find “Babar”, “Dumbo” or “Topsy”? --
According to Google, 826,000 websites are devoted to the topic of elephants.
Just imagine what would life be like if there were no behemoths rambling about to give someone a bad-hair day?
Actually these boisterous bruisers have been around for millennia; so long in fact that 4,000 years ago, people in the Indus Valley decided i ...
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Copyright Victoria Elizabeth 2004. All rights reserved.
THE JOY OF JELLY BEANS
--Or, how a little bit of juicy jiggle makes the world go round --
According to North American researchers, the only happy members of society these days are "Type B" personalities.
Type Bs are, by definition, not "Type A" personalities. No one could mistake them for a fault-finding flibbertygibbet or a fastidious fusspot. And, you'll never find them pushing the "Up" button feverishly on a high- ...
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Copyright Victoria Elizabeth 2004.
A WORD OR TWO ABOUT MUGWUMPS
-- Where oh where have the mugwumps gone? --
If you think we're living in some "tough tiddy times", you could be right.
After all, when the makers of "Wonderbread" and "Twinkies" have just declared bankcruptcy, it makes all the wafflers, whifflers, and wunderkins of the world a tad nervous.
Not to be discouraged, it's time to look on the bright side of things. After all, the arrival of mad cow disease ...
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Copyright Victoria Elizabeth 2004. All rights reserved.
A PINT OF YOUR BEST "BUGBEAR" PLEASE
-- Toorah For Those Tittilating Tag-Names that Come With Your Favorite Grog!--
Fascinated as I am with names, I happened upon an article in our thrice-weekly newspaper devoted to tempting the tastebuds of tipplers at a local "Beerfest".
It seems that our cozy castle (has more than a few educated swillers from nearby colleges and universities, not to mention a slew of seabees ( ...
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(c) Theolonius McTavish 2004. All rights reserved.
Seeking a spot of serenity somewhere in the universe, I recently booked a deep-discount dodgy berth on the ‘White Elephant Express Space Shuttle’, to a little known place in a galaxy far, far away.
“IT” (otherwise known as HD 36405.b) is not your average “oddball” exo-solar planet made of rock that wobbles on its end and zips around a nearby star in less than 2.46 days.
Most linear thinkers have a great deal of difficulty ev ...
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It is said that content is king, but today 'fresh, relevant
content' is the master - or is it?
Every owner of a commercial web site knows that frequent fresh
content is needed on their pages in order to achieve and
maintain a high listing on search engines which actively seek
fresh content. Google sends out its 'freshbot' spider to gather
and index new material from all the sites which offer it. MSN
Search seeks it too. I've noticed that MSN Search's spider pays < ...
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What are Blogs?
Having heard the term previously but not having paid much
attention most are just to afraid to show their ignorance
and ask the question, what is a blog? Lets face it; the
term blog does not conjure pleasant images.
Blogs are web logs that are updated regularly, usually on a
daily basis. They contain information related to a specific
topic. In some cases blogs are used as daily diaries about
people's personal lives, political views, or even as so ...
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